When life takes it all away again...

Just when you think you got life all figured out… it takes a sharp U turn and stabs you from behind. Just when you think it has changed for the better, it gets worse. Just when you start seeing the light, almost touching it… you´ll lose yourself in the darkness. That’s how I feel right now. I´ve seen the light. Tasted it. Felt it on my skin, warm and comfortable. Got that warm fuzzy feeling inside my chest, and I thought… man, this life is worth living for! I could picture it. Could picture myself in it, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I belonged. I felt like home. Like I´d finally arrived, and like everything finally fell into place. Except it didn´t. Because it was just temptation, letting me get a taste, a small bite of how great life could taste. And that’s the worst part about it. Because it felt real. I could not only picture myself in this scenario that I made up, but also feel it. I could see my future here, bright and colourful and so full of life. Solid and clear. It felt so real that I started to think this would definitely become my future, someday, soon. Maybe not within the next couple of months, but eventually. And the thought of this dream becoming reality one day made me thrive with energy I haven’t felt for so long. All this energy I thought I´d lost forever came rushing back at the very thought of what was laying ahead of me, what was to come. It made me want to seize every moment, squeeze every tiny little drop out of every second and not letting go. There was no fear of failing, of impossibility of the task. Never. This was me, this was always meant to be, no doubt or insecurity. It just felt good, right, like this was the only thing that needed to happen. It felt like destiny. As if someone magically finally had arranged the pieces to fit together. And everything suddenly made sense. And all of that to only be taken away from me again. Like the best piece of chocolate cake for me left to try, and as soon as I had taken my first bite off of it and decided that it was the best pie I had ever tasted, the waitress comes back and tells me that that was all I could ever have of this cake. “Never mind!” Just this one bite. And then she would place it on the counter top for me to see, to stare at, knowing that this one bite will always be all that I would ever get. And never more. Constantly being reminded of what I once had but forever lost. Knowing how much I loved this cake, still tasting the rich chocolate flavour on my tongue, the melted chocolate running down my throat making my stomach rumble in ache for more. But I can´t. I can´t reach the rest of the cake. It is sitting right there and I know exactly how much I like it and how good it tasted like, how right it had felt and how perfect it was. But that will always be all that will be left to me. Just a memory, at first vivid and aching, but over time it will fade, and I will forget. The loss won´t hurt as much anymore the more time passes, I´ll adapt, fall back into the daily routine. Go numb again, lifeless. Without even noticing. Not like now, where I feel a devastating hole in my chest, where this warm fuzzy feeling used to be, coming up every time I would allow myself to dream. But I wouldn´t allow myself to dream no more, cause it hurts too much. One can´t afford to dream in a world like this. To outdraw the lines of my future self in a place like this, with a paradise that I can call home and people I can call friends. With a life that I can call worth living. Where my soul can finally get some rest and my thoughts can find some peace. Where my heart can learn to love again, and my spirits can take off to new heights. Whatever it was that awakened here… it was forced to be put back to sleep, but one never totally forgets. It feels like I have gotten an overdose. This great feeling while I was high, and as soon as it was gone, I wanted more of it. But I ran out of money, and here I am, waiting for my next shot, only to be told I can´t have it. Waiting for my piece of chocolate cake that was put so temptingly right in front of me. And then taken away. I wish there would be a way, I wish I could find a way. But it seems to be impossible. No matter what I´ll do, nothing will change the fact that things are different now. No matter what I´ll do, I can only make a wrong decision. No matter what I´ll do, someone will get hurt. Disappointed. Sacrifices will have to be made, and I simply need to decide which would be the lesser of two evils. So, what will it be?